I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize