all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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