i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
