Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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