I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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