I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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