Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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