You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
