I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Randomize
