I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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