craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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