First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Randomize
