i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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