First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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