Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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