you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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