I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Sober January is a disaster.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
