saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
