I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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