i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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