Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Randomize
