I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I am spending my child support on dildos
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
