sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
it glows. i had to have it.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
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