i barfeds in our rink
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Randomize
