I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Randomize
