My Higher Power is John Stamos
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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