Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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