Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
