Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
