We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
