In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
