i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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