just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
