me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
