i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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