It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
