You smell like a Billy Joel song
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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