We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
