Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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