She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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