I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I pour the whiskey from now on
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
