So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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