I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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