We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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