Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
