mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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