I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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