I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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