She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
