Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
