I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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