i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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