I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
