It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
