Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
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